Updated: Jun 18, 2019
Every day we busy about our lives making assumptions. We make assumptions about the weather, the folks next door, the kids, our family, friends, basically how the world works.
Our assumptions which were designed to keep us in check about how we behave severed us well in a distant past, but we have evolved to bring our worldly assumptions on how everything and people function into relationships.
To bring unproven assumptions into a relationship can and will destroy it if you have already decided what the relationship is going to look like, and talking from my own experience here, but it's so common. It's a-shame we do this literally from the offset and fail to give the relationship a chance to flourish.
There are many definitions and "the meaning" of assumptions by loads of authorities with letters after their names. For me making assumptions about something I have no idea about and trying to second guess what's going on in the world of another human being has cost me dearly many, many times over the years with my relationships.
I do not know where to begin to describe the suffering, pain, drama and hurt feelings as a result of misunderstandings caused by making assumptions, but something happens early on in a relationship where it's great; you're having fun, it's so good you don't want it to go wrong. We love these great vibes going on, who needs to ask questions and communicate? Wrong assumption right there! The relationship, no matter personal or otherwise from day one needs constant communication as making assumptions is the destroyer and the evil archenemy of clear communication in our world.
Take it from me; there is nothing called a "safe assumption" it's just not worth making as it's the start of the misunderstanding and all that ensues. The safer bet is to ask. Ask for what you want or what you need. Ask if something is not clear and you need clarification. You have the God-given right to ask a question, and at the same time, your partner has the right to answer or not and vice versa. The response, if you get an answer, may not be what you wish to hear, but at the very least you asked, job done! At the very least, no assumption based on misguided false beliefs were made about them, and you have (hopefully) a rational conversation to learn more about your loved one and grow together blissfully.
Here's what happened to me because of assumptions getting in the way of my relationship, and what I did not do, but probably you've guessed already.
My Partner Is Going To Leave Me.
Based on a previous relationship of 14 years, I made the assumption all was well with my partner and me. We just moved from my house where we lived together for nearly 14 years, and we decided to commit to buying a home together, but sadly, only five months after we moved into our beautiful home, she suddenly out of the blue left me. To this very day, there was no explanation; all I have are assumptions. One could say that this had a devastating and lasting impression on me and guess what, every relationship I've been in I assumed before getting into second gear of the relationship, I uttered to my inner self "this person will leave me, I can feel it".
It so happens I met someone a few years later, which I thought I'd settle down with her and her two beautiful daughters and literally from day one I believed the relationship wouldn't work. I looked high and low for "evidence" to validate this belief. As time went on, it was endless with this assumption and more assumptions piled on top of other assumptions. It caused misunderstandings, bickering, massive arguments, lots of drama, hurt and pain.
I can only speak for my behaviour, but my negativity and the months of resentment and bitterness that stacked up, I definitely contributed to driving my partner away. So, sadly, the assumption became a reality, and she, in the end, left me.
What Lessons Did I Learn?
• Don't make assumptions and start looking for problems at every turn when everything is mostly going well.
• Don't play it safe and make assumptions however small
• Don't wrap yourself up in assumptions from past experiences and negative beliefs from a previous relationship into a new one
• Through clear, rational communication, do not be afraid to ask for what you want. It is your God-given right to ask. Talk, talk, and talk some more.
I do not possess the power of being able to read minds, none of us has this power, but for some reason, we think we do. We don't know how the other person is feeling or thinking; we just don't, it's impossible unless we ask questions and they tell you.
Because you're madly in love with your partner does not negate the reason for not having clear and straightforward communications with them. You can't expect them to behave or respond in a way you want because you simply love them and the wonder "Why did they hurt me so?", or "Why couldn't she do this one simple thing for me, I do everything for her?"
I think it's fair to say (there I go making assumptions) that people don't change, why should they?
I'm no relationship counsellor or marriage guidance professional but being overly assumptive and smothering someone to death with your ever-dying love and they're still not doing everything to your liking, you're probably wasting your time and energy, and you think it's time to quit.
Well, hold fire for a minute just before you do and destroy a good relationship. Take a breath, look deep within yourself and ask yourself some challenging questions about how you see the world and at least find out if your partner will make the change you want before ending the relationship. You never know, your partner could change in ways you want or expect.
Don't make assumptions with your loved one; it's unnecessary, especially seeing we have the gift of speech. Just talking to each other could save your relationship and your sanity.